...so, last week after my well deserved Tabu experience, I get home and parked illegally cuz a sista wasn’t feelin the walk up the hill, hell my thighs were hurtin from swingin in the damn swing! So, I leave out the next day, and I see all these pink and yellow slips in the wipers (tickets)... As I get closer to the truck, low n behold, I have NO tags.. I was outdone... So, here I am all dressed up and no tags to drive the truck with... WTF?

...first and foremost, I failed to take my truck to emissions in 2006, and ummm, why have I been driving with suspended tags since May 2006? Lawd have mercy can you imagine what woulda happened had I been stopped by the po-po and lil man being in the car? The thought alone has had me straight trippin! On top of all that, why did my drivers license expire in April 2006, and why didn’t I know until I went to write a check last week, and the clerk kindly informed my happy ass... "mam, your license is expired"! Can you say: " wake the fuck up"! Needless to say the DMV, oops sorry, your not in DC anymore lil momma, it’s MVA, did send me notices about this shit, but I just tossed the shit to the side, with a few other important pieces of information... Let me tell yawl, I have been denying the proceeding statement for the past 12months, but I am now ready to admit it... My ass has been in a major funk for the past two years... Dare I say: depressed! Fuck it, my ass has been depressed.. All fucked up over this living situation, 38 at the time with my momma movin in and knockin my groove... And then hurricane papi came into the picture, and my ass ain’t been right since... Now trust and believe that I can only blame myself, but for real, these two events have been some serious life changing events for me....

...so here I sit, chapters have been closing for the past few weeks... Papi is out of the picture, and from the lack of calls, I’d say he finally got it, or better yet, maybe’s there a distraction on the horizon, and all I can say is: all praises be to Allah, cuz we needed him to spin his web on some unsuspecting sista who would like me, get caught up in the charm of it all... And, mother dear, ms flower power is movin Saturday! Can you say: wooofuckinhooo! Lawd have mercy I’ve been lookin forward to this day for the past 3 months, now I will miss the hell out of her, but I am sooo lookin forward to having my house to myself, no lil man, and no mother dear! Umph, umph, umph, what the hell am I gonna do with myself? *evil grin* ...I’m sure I’ll come up with somethin! So mom leaves Saturday, and I’m gonna transport her car to Cleveland on Tuesday, so, all my Cleveland folks I will be in the area, making my presence known next week! My visit will be short, but I hope to put names to I know at least one face... I’m thinkin somethin good may await me in the great state of Ohio! Only time will tell... (Notice I wrote "great" state of Ohio!)... while visiting, I’m hoping to take care of some school stuff, and to also visit a few perspective properties, both for sale, and for rent... So, I’m praying for a successful trip... Although I am not lookin forward to stayin at my cousins or my moms house, cause these folks don’t like and don’t have air conditioning! And that, sucks! Now, that I think about it, I think this is my first ever trip to Cleveland in the summer! Hmmm, this should be interesting, peepin out Euclid Avenue in the dead of summer... For my DC folks, Euclid Ave is the Georgia Avenue of Cleveland...

...now that a sista is starting to see and think a lil clearer, I am finally ready to give up this juicy ass pussy! Man, my ass is HORNY... Let me say that again... I am HORNY! My black ass hasn’t even played with the pussy! Between the personal drama, and the heat, my ass hasn’t given it much thought... However, my pussy has been soakin, sloppy, faucet wet! And let me tell ya, when I finally got my license in hand the joint started jumpin and shit...

...any who, things aren’t quite normal jus yet, whatever the hell normal is, but I’m experiencing a sense of calm that I have not experienced in some time... This past weekend I was hangin out with the girls, and they even noticed that the old me was resurfacing! My best friend went as far to tell me that, she has noticed that I haven’t bright up papi in some time! She told me she was nervous, cuz either I was hiding the fact that I was still communicating with him, or I was REALLY done, the other friend chirped in stating that he must be out of the picture, cuz my ass was acting and sounding like the Teal they know and love! Man oh man, what a difference a break up can make! Can you say revitalized, refreshed, and rejuvenated! Hell I feel like I’ve been smokin some crack, that’s how high "on me" I am at this present time... It’s a wonderful feeling...

...gotta admit one thing to my peeps! I am soooo missing my lil man... Never in a million years would I think I’d miss him so much... He’s been leaving me every summer all his natural life, but this year is different, we bonded like never before this past year, so my lil soldier is missed like crazy! In the meantime, he could give a fuck... now, I know he misses me, but the south can be very good to a lil boy who lives up north in a condo! His lil ass is runnin and playin and pickin cherries and shit... And, he is also getting away with pure murder, he called me yesterday on some, "Mommie, don’t be mad, but grandma got me some heelies"! Man I was pissed... I told him NO heelies until he turned 8... Damn heelies, her ass must not know that they are the number one child related emergency room visit in the country, not to mention that the accidents are so out of control most health insurances aren’t covering the visit... I quickly told him and grandma, that the heelies, will stay in Carolina, no need for them to make an appearance in the tri-state area, he will NOT be wearing them on my watch! Got damn heelies! I hate those shits... Kids rollin thru malls and shit with those damn things, it’s freakin ridiculous! Of course, I was the bitch of all mothers when it was all said and done... Oh well! I’m the rule maker and rule breaker, you broke the rule and the heelies will be staying in Carolina, how dare she override my parenting decision... Bitch!

...Any who, things are lookin up for me and my lil world! my next big hurdle is this house of mine, man my place is a wreck! I see and feel a major overhaul comin upon my return! My living room is empty, so I need to move some shit around to make it inviting for the open houses that will be starting in August... By the way, anyone interested in buying a condo in the metro area, look at sista up, I’m selling it below appraised/market value, and you would come in with at least 15,000 in equity... Hit me up if your interested!

...I’m finding that with the start of page #10, my desire to blog is decreasing more and more... Well, let me say that my desire to maintain my usual "sexual" blog flow appears to be diminishing... then again it could be due to my not havin any good mind blowing, scream at the mountain top sex... trust and believe that I will be workin on that in the days, not weeks, but days to come... a sista is needin it bad, I’ve been in straight drought mode, and mommie is needin her fix bad... Fuck it, I’m startin to feign, I’m having visions of naked men with big ass dicks, giving me lap dances as I sit on the balcony! Time for a sista to mate!

...on another note, might I add that I’m kinda glad the blog was deleted, it gives me the chance to clean house and rid myself of the dead weight... But, In the same breathe, as I make my rounds, i'm noticing a lot of 360 drama... what's up with dat?, can we all jus get along? No offense, but folks gotta realize this is the net! I’m sure we all have enough realtime drama, do we really need drama on 360? Also ladies, if your pursuing a man thousands a miles away, and you think, you’re the only one he is interested in, please, please, please, think again... IT’S THE FREAKIN NET...

...aight yawl, I’m outta here! I hope to have some sexy, raunchy, raw blog comin your way in the very near future... Au revoir babies!

...first and foremost, let’s take a pause for the papi, and me cause! ...man, what a journey this has been, and finally in my heart, my mind, my soul, I am finally at the end of this journey! Now, yawl know I haven’t written about him in some time... And truth be told there hasn’t been much to write about, I’ve only seen him twice in the last 3months, and our conversations have slowed down drastically... And during this time, we’ve gone thru our usual back n forth... Splittin up, kinda comin back together dance... Him makin promises and me at this point, waiting for him to not come thru... lol! It’s funny, but now, I look back and I wonder what kept me there?... I mean really why do women subject themselves to men who are not about the business of being about us? What is that, is it fear, loneliness, esteem issues?... I can’t figure it out...

...any who, this is my final entry into my papi journal, somethin I need to do! For those of you that have been on this ride with me, I hope you’ll understand that this blog was done as a form of closure, and trust and believe me when I tell you, that I have finally closed this door!

...I would like to think that my eyes have always been open during this fling... I may have had a lil tunnel vision, but, they were wide open! I new within 3 months what type of person he was, and that this situation would always be about him, regarding face time, quality time, and overall couple related shit... Now, knowing what I was dealing with, me as a woman, had hoped that his love and desire to be with me, would change all of this, and that eventually something would materialize! And when I say materialize, I don’t mean him leaving his wife, I’m not that stupid! Men, marry women for a reason, and it’s not to divorce them! Always believe that ladies, they will never leave wifey for you, and if they do, they will do to you what they did to wifey... But, what I mean by materializing is us actually doin things outside of the bedroom, and talkin 20 times a day... catchin’ a movie, goin on a date, goin on an outtin, and not on the regular, fuck it, he’s married. I realized, that things couldn’t happen on the regular, but I expected an effort to be made on occasion... In a time span of 19 months this man and I never gone on a formal date, never broke bread together at a dinner table, never enjoyed a movie together, no planned activity what so ever... However, we did meet for drinks here n’ there... Truth be told, his inability to make things such as this happen, is really why he and I are over... Of course, he’ll say somethin else, but trust me on this... It’s his inability to make shit happen, and his inability to acknowledge when he was unable to make somethin happen, that really ended this... Which to me, bottom line is: lack of respect for me, and my basic need... He say’s, I’m trippin, regarding the respect thing, but ummm, I don’t think so! I’m simply asking you to extend a common courtesy, and you think so little of me that you can’t do that.. That tells me you don’t respect me... Simple as that...

... in April papi and I got into one of our arguments, name calling, hurtful things etc... and during that time he made comments stating that I fuck whoever, wherever, whenever, " I spread my pussy like jam"... And for some reason, that shit really hurt me, I mean I was crushed that this man thought of me in this manner... I mean damn, he says he loves me, and he’s in love me, and you think so little of me? The hurt was to the point that during a 2 to 3 day period, I was in tears over it... And it hurt, because It’s not me... I mean, I write all this shit, I love to fuck, I love to go to swing spots etc... but that shit does not happen on the regular, I am very conservative with my shit, because at the end of the day, I know what it is a seek, I have never lost sight of my ultimate goal, even while being involved with him... And I also no that I got the kinda pussy that can’t be thrown any mans way, folks get hooked, and I need to make sure they can handle it! Lol... But seriously, my days of fuckin for sport have been over for sometime, I’m lookin for a connection deeper than the fuck! And yes, I stepped out side of us on occasion, and he was well aware of this and encouraged it, and even enjoyed hearing about it... It shattered me to hear this man to say that I was out there spreading my pussy around like it was "jam"... I was hurt... And that was the beginning of the end...

...off and on over the months we ‘d talk, and it would be on again, off again, the story of us... During the off periods, the arguments, and the nastiness would start, and more and more he would say more off the wall shit about me... He’d call and if I didn’t answer, he’d leave a message stating that I must be "out spreading the jam"... "Get your groove on, call me"... The more I’d hear the spreading the jam comment, the more numb I became to him as a person and his words...

...I started lookin at him, and this for what it was... This was a relationship that was all about him, and serving his need.... Being his ear when he needed, his fuck when he desired it, and at the end of the day, it was all about him.. Now, I’ve always known this, and have always told him, "this is all about you", but he would deny it of course and say:, it’s about us! Ok... Show me... Any who... A few weeks ago in another heated argument, he admitted to me: "it’s about me Teal", now, I’ve known and I’ve felt it, but to actually hear it.... Whew damn, talk about your wake up calls! When he said that, I had my second awakening, and since then, I’ve been having moments of clarity... But in that moment, with those words: "it’s about me Teal", Everything began to change... It was as if a light switch was turned on... the feelings started to disappear, the love began to fade, the want, and the need to be with him began to float away, but more than anything that desire to feel him inside me lessened... It got to a point that I looked forward to him to saying these things, to further insert his emotional dagger, it was as if I was testing myself... Making sure I was really done with this.... Then, once again, I found myself back in his make believe world, giving him another chance... We were cordial, making plans to hook up when wifey left town, and once again, he said, let’s meet for lunch, and, and no call, no lunch, no I can’t make it! Nothing... Same ole shit, different day.. And once again, I announce, I’m done... He goes into his shit, I send a few "I’m done emails", and he starts again.. All the nastiness, and the ugliness and the name calling, and all followed up with the I love you, and you complete me, and I need you in my life... And him tellin me that I don’t understand... Whatever that means! And finally I realized that yes, I was finally over this man...

...over the nxt few days, I began to give he and I a lot of thought... I wondered with all the things that had happened over the past year alone, why I still took his calls... Now I ignore a great deal of his calls now days cuz they have no substance what so ever... But I was still taking the calls, in givng it considerations, I realized that this man can no longer hurt me, cuz I no longer love him... He can no longer have a sexual hold over me, because he lost his mental grip over me... The mental game is a strong game, when you give into a man mentally, he becomes your everything, he becomes, the only one who can satisfy you, the one you crave... I realized that I no longer craved him, but more than anything, I began to question if I was ever really sexually satisfied, and overall yes I was... But it still wasn’t what I wanted and needed, it was more of him meeting his need and want... Like he said, "it’s about me Teal"... He never gave into my desires, he never really fulfilled me sexually the way I thought he did, in the end, it was his head game, that got him over... Funny what revelations can do, we have when we’re finally wide awake!

...over the past few days, we have been having a negative exchange of words... which were really stemming from my soiree at Tabu, now, what I have never gotten is this, a man can encourage you to do your thing, wanna hear about what you did, and but when it’s all said and done they wanna throw it in your face, and suddenly, your "out there" He told me in short that he doesn’t and will never do things with me, because: "I realized that I can’t be with a woman who sleeps with whatever man or woman passes her by", and then one final time, he confirmed in the same conversation: "it’s about me Teal"...

...that was Tuesday nite, I hung up that phone knowing this was OVER! He was right, and I finally got it, it was and always will be about him... And the moment I hung up that phone I new it was now "ALL ABOUT ME"!

...love is funny yawl you can feel like your on top of the world, willing to sacrifice it all, for the one you love... I have pretty much put my love life on hold for this man, stopped dating, not really willing to pursue anything of substance cause I was all caught up in Rani! Then, you realize, this person isn’t sacrificing shit for you... Your eyes begin to open after while you realize that you want, and need, and desire so much more than what someone elses husband can give you... But more than anything you realize that love, shouldn’t HURT!

...so folks, after all the blogs, many lows and few highs, this from my perspective is finally over! It took sometime, a lot tears, and a great deal of pain, but I walked away gracefully, and I walked away a much better woman because of this experience, more than anything, I walked confirming that with love comes respect, and if a man doesn’t respect you, he really can’t love you, in the truest form of the word!

...know one man is worth your heart, if he is unwilling to show you his heart!

Thank you all for takin this journey with me... the rant’s, the raves, the lows, and the few highs, thank you! Your words and encouragement to move on, helped in more ways then you could ever imagine!